Is it possible for a relationship to work when one partner wants children and the other doesn’t? This is the question that is still resonating in my head days after I finished reading Kidfree & Lovin’ It (reviewed Jan. 2). The opinion of most of the people author Kaye D. Walters surveyed is that this is a deal-breaker, that compromise is impossible, that the relationship is doomed. They say it is better to break up than to have a child you don’t want—or force a child on someone who doesn’t want to have children. Don’t date, don’t marry, don’t pretend it’s okay; it won’t work.
Walters urges couples to think it through and be sure of what
they want. “Don’t just end a perfectly good relationship without first
examining your means and motivations on the kid issue.” She offers lists of
reasons to procreate and suggests that some of them are pretty shaky and
perhaps one might not be a good parent after all. But in the end, like the
people she surveyed, she seems to lean toward ending the relationship.
This issue is at the heart of my Childless by Marriage blog
and book. It’s an issue that most books about childlessness (see my resource list) pay minimal attention to. But it’s a big one. If my first husband had
been willing and ready to have children, I’d be a grandmother now. If my second
had been willing to add more children to the three he already had and if he had
not had a vasectomy, I’d have grown children and maybe grandchildren now. If I
had dumped either one because I wanted to have children and they didn’t, my
life would have been completely different.
I am childless because I married these men and stayed with
them. The first marriage ended for other reasons, but the second husband was a
keeper. We lasted three weeks shy of 26 years. If Fred hadn’t died, we’d still
be together. He was the perfect mate for me in every other way. And maybe, if I
truthfully answer all of Walters’ soul-searching questions, I would find I was
too devoted to my career to add motherhood to the mix. I wanted children, and I
wish I’d had them. BUT I loved Fred and knew I would never find a better
husband. Should I have left him and hoped to find someone else, maybe someone
not as good but who was willing to have babies with me? Am I a fool because I
sacrificed motherhood for these men?
That’s the big question that many of the people who comment
here are facing: stay with the partner or spouse who doesn’t want kids or try
to find someone else? What do you think? Is a relationship doomed if you
disagree on this issue? Is it all right to sacrifice something this big for the
one you love? There are always compromises in a relationship. People give up
their careers, move far away from home, or take care of disabled spouses, but is
this too much to ask?
I really want to know what you think.
20 comments:
There is a mother inside every woman. That truth is written into our very bodies -- whether or not we ever bear children.
Not everyone is a "natural mother" in terms of having the patience and stamina to tend to the needs of a child. But spiritual motherhood -- finding ways to nurture both physical and spiritual life -- is at the heart of womanhood. I cannot say how God intends you to use your particular "feminine genius," but it's there.
For Catholics (I'm not sure what faith background you have, this is my tradition), an unwillingness to welcome children into a home is a condition of the sacrament of marriage. If either partner is unwilling to do so, the marriage is not considered a true sacrament because it is "sterile" by intention. (Obviously this has nothing to do with the legality of the union, or the legitimacy of the children.) It is grounds for annulment.
It sounds like your second husband was a good man, and that you loved him very much. I'm sorry for your loss.
Heidi,
Thank you for your comforting words. I am Catholic, too. I actually had my first marriage annulled on the basis of my ex-husband's refusal to have kids. Fred, my second husband, was a good man, and I'm missing him very much today.
I love that term "spiritual motherhood." Thank you.
You did what was right for you. Well done. Many people don't have the integrity to do this. I wish you all the best.
Sue,
I think you're a very special person for thinking about this issue the way you did. I occasionally drop by your blog because I am the ex-spouse of a person who left me because, at a somewhat younger age, I was still unsure of whether I wanted to have kids and he suddenly changed his mind and became all for it. Other than that, we had been perfect companions for each other -- for example, in 10 years together, we had not had a single fight.
It doesn't seem like many people think of it the way you and I do. My ex, for instance, seemed to freak out more than anything over the fact that he no longer had "the option" of having kids if he stayed with me. He made me feel awful -- some "option" that had never mattered to him before and that wasn't necessarily the bed of roses he imagined it as had now eclipsed me in importance.
The truth is, Fred was a known quantity while any child you may have had is not. And what you knew about Fred is that he was a great, kind, good soul and amazing partner for *you*. So why, then, would it be so unusual for you to choose Fred over kids? I think it may seem that way at least in part because societally we as women are certainly very pressured to have and want kids.
I do want kids now (ironically, now that I'm divorced over this very reason), but I personally think the same way you do. If I find someone else who is perfect for me and he doesn't want them, then have them we will not. Because what it comes down is these close, bonded relationships you have with other human beings. Who is to say that the relationship with your child would be good enough to eschew a relationship with this already existent person? I see people out there who have a lot of difficulties with their kids.
It seems, btw, that you have your up and your down days in dealing with this. So, with apologies for my long comment, for the New Year, I wish you way more of the "up" days, because you are obviously a fabulous lady.
Anon and Anon,
Thank you so much for your kind words. It is a tricky thing, isn't it? No relationship is perfect, but whether or not to have kids is probably the biggest decision to make and if you don't agree, there's no easy solution. And people do change their minds. That's natural. I wish you all the best, too.
I do have my ups and downs, but these days, I miss my husband much more than any children I might have had. And when I miss them both. . . I cuss a lot. My only New Year's resolution is to curse less.
Take care.
I feel for Anon at 4:40. What a cruel turn of events to have the perfect relationship terminated because you did not want children.
I am working on a difficult 10 year marriage to a man I care about very deeply. His past issues (terrible self esteem, alcoholism, etc.) seemed to keep us from having a family. After meaningful therapy those issues are being replaced by wonderful things. Still, it's a long road. Now that I'm of a certain age I find us working closer to having a family but guess what - time is running out. So I lament often about the situation. Since I do not have a burning desire to have children (like some) I find myself comforted by "God's Plan". If it's meant to happen He will make it so. Some days I don't feel that calmness though which is why I visit.
I find it hard to imagine someone leaving a spouse simply because the other does not want to have children. If you married for love how can one discard that? I suppose the lure of family life is too great for some. Still, I wonder - what if Anon 4:40 had a health reason that made family planning impossible? Do you think he still would have left?
I'm curious to know more about Anon 4:40. Are you happily remarried and working toward a family? Is your ex remarried with children? How old are you at this point? I don't mean to be nosy - just curious on how life unfolds for people. It's often in ways we do not expect.
Anon S
This is "Anon 4:40". I honestly don't know how my ex got so into the idea of having kids but I see that it happens to a lot of people. I've wondered about the thing you bring up with the health reason preventing kids, enough to do some reading on it. Almost every opinion I've seen seems to agree that emotionally those are two different things, I guess because one is based on a choice while the other is not. At the point where the two scenarios have the same result though -- aka, no kids -- I also wonder, how can the love between the two people be discounted so much?
To answer your questions, neither of us is remarried, though while he has a serious girlfriend currently, I am completely single (of course...haha). We married young, at 26 after having been together 4 years before that. Our split happened when we were 32, and we are now 35. As for your phrasing of "working toward a family", I'm not going to do actively do that. Kind of like you, I plan on letting God do his thing -- if I do find someone who truly lights my fire in every sense, that is (and for me, *that* is the absolute requirement for getting remarried, not kids!).
As for your situation, you sound like such a strong person and I wish you even more strength to continue to more forward.
I did not want to end my relationship with my husband even tho he changed his mind about having more children. I do get upset from time to time that he changed his mind but the marriage is good outside of that fact.
I think it all depends on the relationship you have with your partner. Doubleme, you and I were lucky to find good husbands. That's quite a gift in itself. It would have been nice to have kids, but that wasn't in the plans for us, I guess. Take care.
To Anon 4:40
Thanks for sharing. So any hope of reconciling now that you both want children? Or has too much taken place to "go back"?
Thanks for your kind words. I wouldn't say I'm any stronger. You've had to endure a lot as well. Not only that you seem much more optimistic than me. I'm 38 and I feel like I'm waving goodby to the children boat. That I could still leap in the water and catch up (if I swim really, really fast). But mostly trying to come to terms with the idea that I probably won't be a mother.
I'm 38. I think back to all the times when I felt old. After several years I look back and think that I was so young. I'm hoping that I will be one of those late bloomers. Perhaps I'll "give up" and then find myself having children in my early 40's and I'll laugh when I think about this time in my life and how I thought it was all slipping away.
I suppose anything is possible.
On a Catholic note, the irony of my first marriage just occurred to me. That union was annulled on the grounds that my first husband wouldn't raise any children in the catholic faith. This along with other reasons led to the end of the marriage. But that issue served as a vehicle for an easy annulment.
Fast forward several years and who becomes the newest member of my parish? Well, my ex-husband and his new girlfriend of course. He was taking classes to become a full member of the Catholic faith. I watched that Easter as he was baptized with his lovely new fiancee at his side. Soon after he married her in a full Catholic ceremony and after that he had two beautiful children with her, who are of course Catholic. They have since moved to another parish but it still stings that he was willing to convert for her but not me.
I especially remember having a conversation with someone else who was in his class. She didn't know I had been married to this man and she was just sharing her experience. She told me how passionate he was about converting and how he immersed himself in the process. That his was an inspiration. Bah. I found it in my heart to be happy he found faith but it wasn't at all easy to watch his baptism.
Anon S
Wow, Anon S., that must have been so hard. Thank you for sharing this. My first husband was Catholic but didn't care about it. His refusal to have kids got me my easy annulment. My second was not Catholic and was very clear that he would never convert. But to have your ex be baptized with his new fiancee at his side . . . I admire your strength.
Thanks Sue. Actually I was already married at this point so it wasn't as hard as you'd think. Yes, it touched a nerve and I will admit to shedding some tears of frustration and rejection. But our marriage ended for other reasons and enough time had passed and that took some sting out of it.
Still, he was a wonderful person. He also has a beautiful singing voice and later often cantored at mass. Those masses were harder to sit through. There he was, singing (yes, singing!) the words he refused to pray with me. Leading the worship almost. In front of everyone. By then my current marriage was getting rough. It was very painful to listen to this kind man singing songs of comfort and to know he was no longer mine and perhaps I had made a grave mistake.
I married my current husband in part because he is Catholic and we share the same views. I figured we'd avoid those same problems. However, he's only as devout as I expect him be. I'm "in charge" of the religious portion of our life. This also frustrates me as sometime I don't want to go to mass (and don't). Sometimes I do not have Christian feelings. Sometimes I don't want to pray. I wish he cared enough about our faith to encourage me when I need it.
Sigh.
Someday it will all make sense. In the meantime it's wonderful to have this place to vent and share. THANK YOU for that Sue!
Anon S
Hi Everyone,
It was nice to read your posts. In regards to your question Sue on whether a relationship is doomed or not if you disagree on having children, I definitely agree with most of you when you say that life is an endless box of surprises and you don't know what is going to happen. I came across your blog because I find myself at 34 trying to decide what I want to do about children. I find myself quite fortunate to have actually thought about making a decision instead of plotting along and do the next thing which is to have kids. I have been looking for reasons not to have a child and reasons to have a child but unfortunately I haven't found much on the latter one. The ones I have found don't seem to be very good reasons in my opinion. I know that when people already have kids they realize that is the best decision ever but you kind of do have to get there without having thought about it in the first place.
Anyway, my partner and I have been together for 3 years and we are getting married this year. He has a child from a previous marriage and he is an amazing kid. We get along very well and we love the life we have together. My partner decided after his son was born that he had had enough and didn't want to have more children in the future. I on the other hand had never really thought about it too much. Just the occasional time here and there when all my friends were having babies.
And then NOW :). My stepson is going to school in two weeks and I have felt the need for a child of my own but I'm not quite sure if it's to replace the one that has grown, which then wouldn't be a very good reason. At some point in our relationship my partner said he'd do it for me but I also didn't want that. So is our relationship doomed? I don't think so, not once have I thought of leaving him because he won't have a child. We are very happy together and we wouldn't want things to change between us. So I am here reading what people have to say, doing my homework :) But I think my partner and I need to work everything in our lives together and this is one of them. No matter what happens we need to come to a decision together. My commitment is to us, to our relationship and not a baby we don't have. I understand that some people leave their partners where one of them don't want or want children but my guess is that there is something more to it. It's either been shaky for a while and that might be the last thing that brings it all apart. The reason I am saying this is because why would anyone marry someone if they knew that they wanted something completely different to them.
If you really want to have a child and if you have always wanted that I am sure that everyone around you would notice and a man that has made the decision not to wouldn't come anywhere near you. So think about it, if you love your partner why would you leave them? I am sure you both have excellent reasons to support your position but the whole point of a relationship is to compromise and deal with everything on the way together.
I am sorry for those people who have been told a different story and right after getting married the real "thing" comes out. That wasn't a very honest thing to do and therefore I don't believe this person deserved you in the first place.
Life does things in funny ways and I think that we just need to let it be. Not find ourselves at 40 and start rushing to have a baby just because everyone else is doing it. Having children I believe is a choice. So wouldn't it be absolutely wonderful to be able to tell your children afterwards that you gave them a good think and that you were absolutely sure you wanted them and not that they were product of a hormonal urge or an unplanned pregnancy?
Luce
There's a lot of wisdom in your comments, Luce. Thank you for sharing them. I think you make a key point when you note that if the marriage falls apart based on this issue, it probably had other problems. I know that was the case for me. I admire you for really thinking about children and not just letting yourself be swayed by what's easiest or what everyone else is doing. I wish you all the best.
I just had this conversation/fight with my husband. However, roles are reversed, I am the one questioning whether I want kids and he definitely wants them. I love kids, my friends kids, our neighbors kids, any kid. i am very good with kids and i would be a good mother. However, knowing I would be a good mother is different than wanting them.
I just don't know if I do. My husband and I have been married for 5 years and together for a total of 10 years. I always thought the desire to have kids would come, I fully expected it to.
I'm 30 now and that was the time frame we agreed to when we got married. At 25, I thought 30 would be a great time to have a baby, it was all so logical, married long enough, had our fun, careers in order, home purchased, etc. while everything is where it should be (home, career) I'm still not ready, I don't have that "i need to be a mom" gene. Where it is? I WANT to have it, but I don't. So im asking him for more time, another year to be just us and then i'll bite the bullet and have a baby.
The fight tonight came down to what if I never want kids.
It's a valid question. I want another year, and "i'll bite the bullet." those were my words. Because i don't want to be with anyone but my husband, I love him so much. And i really want to want to have kids for his sake and ours.
I cannot accept losing him, so I'll do it, if that's the ultimatum. But he won't give me the ultimatum, he wants me to want a child for myself, for my happiness. So he wants me to decide what to do. He'll be unhappy in our marriage but he'll stay in our unhappy marriage. And if I have the baby now, when im clearly not ready, what if I'm the unhappy one.
And i know youre thinking poor kid (if we have a kid) but i honestly have faith in myself to love this child, its not their fault im so messed up, so they wont know that they werent wanted, because when theyre here they here with us, and they will be loved by me.
anyways, i also felt the need to rant to clear my head. So I am grateful to find this piece online. I'm sure within the next year I'll be pregnant. And I will love my child.
Thank you for sharing this anonymous. It's almost taboo in our society to say you're less than thrilled about having a baby, but I'm sure you express the feelings of many people. I wish you all the best.
Hi
I have been reading this blog for days and it has been a huge source of comfort to me.
Two years ago at age 40 a friend invited me to Melbourne. As I had just been made redundant in the Uk I went and spent seven amazing weeks with someone who I knew by day 4 was the right one for me. He came to the UK shortly after and we started to plan a future. He is divorced with two girls 14 and 15 so being with him meant moving from the UK and leaving everything behind. At the very beginning and many times since I asked if he was open to having more kids and he always said yes. If he had said no I would have ended the relationship. Although I was never desperate to have children and truly understand that at my age it will be very difficult if not impossible,I would not have persued a relationship where not having them was a condition. It took a long time to decide I was willing to make the move but I came back to see him in December and have been in Melbourne since then. The entire trip has been overshadowed by him telling me he doesn't want any more kids. So having just got my head around the leaving my home,friends and family I now have this. I am 42 now so my chances of meeting someone else and having a family are slim. However I just don't feel I can accept this. His kids are his life and I can't see how I can watch them play happy families forever knowing he would not do that with me. I also can't accept that he could love me yet deny me the thing that has brought him the most joy to his life.I just can't reconcile it. I am due to go home in a few weeks and finally dared to try to get an answer to this question. He chose to lose me rather than even entertain the possibility of a family. I just feel as though I have to sacrifice everything and he will compromise on nothing.
I am interested in the comments on here because nobody seems angry. The general consensus is that it was better to stay with them than leave. I'm not sure how you get to a place where you can do that. My anger at being misled so badly
(we spoke about names for the kids)and the lack of choice that has been imposed on me - him or the chance to try for kids -is so furious I don't quite know what to do with it.
It's an awful situation for anyone to be in and am just pleased I know it's not just me.
Jo, you have every right to be furious. It's bait and switch. I don't know if they use that term there, but it refers to when a merchant lures you in with a sale on one great thing, then tries to sell you something else when you get there.It's a scam. It sounds like your guy is firm on his decision. You gave him the ultimatim and he chose not to have children with you. Now it's up to you to figure out whether you still want to be with him and whether his children might be enough. Sometimes they are, and sometimes the stepchildren just add to the pain. I wish I could tell you what to do, but you know what I did. I married the guy, thinking that somehow things would change. They didn't, but I have never met anyone else I would rather have married. I'd like to hear what some of our other readers have to say.
Keep coming back. We know what you're going through, and we care.
Sue
I stumbled upon this blog today while searching the Internet in hopes of finding information regarding my situation.
I am 41 years old, never been married and I do not have any children. My choice to delay marriage and child bearing was not intentional it was circumstantial. Finally I have found my Prince Charming, my other half, the man I want to spend the rest of my life with. My boyfriend is 44 years old, has never been married and has 2 daughters. His oldest is 16 years old and his youngest s 8 years old.
He explicitly made it clear when we began dating that he does not want anymore children because finally his youngest is at the age where she does not need him as much and he wants to travel and see the world. He also stated he cannot picture himself 50 years old and running after a child.
His 2 daughters do not have the same mother. The oldest one was a result of a one night stand and he was not told about it until she was 4 years old. The youngest one's mother told him she could not get pregnant. He intended to marry her but as soon as she got pregnant her true colors showed. He is a phenomenal father who makes numerous sacrifices for his children, but the relationships with the mothers are not good at all.
2 days ago after a talk to my best friend over the weekend I realized that having a child with someone I love, respect and care for has been all I've ever wanted and its not a dream I'm willing to abandon unless I run into fertility issues. Even now with the 2 children he has I resent the fact he has a connection of sharing children with these 2 women yet is not willing to share the experience with me.
I am heartbroken, but I know it's for the best.
Anonymous, I'm so sorry. It sounds like your choice is pretty clear. Stay with him and accept not having children or find someone else. That's harsh, but it's the reality. Personally I don't have any problem with a man running after a child when he's 50. I just watched a man considerably older than that cuddling a baby at the post office and it was the sweetest thing ever. But you can't make other people do what you want, at least not without ruining the relationship. I hope you both can find peace with this.
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